We still can't handle life, as life is.

Hello all,

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. Thank you Gwen for goosing me.
Saturday nights used to be big trouble for me; my first home group was Saturday Night Live in West Trenton, NJ. That was 17+ years ago. I still struggle with life on life's terms. The struggles are different now.

I have a beautiful wife, a healthy growing 12 year old son, a slew of friends; tons of good stuff.

Last night I read a paper from my son's bookbag and it generated a strong emotional response. He wrote that he "hates his house". Another question he had to answer was "if you had three wishes, what would they be?"; one response was he wished we had enough money to fix up our house.

My ego was crushed. I am not a "good enough" provider.(negative, irrational tape) I was able to talk with him and I asked him if he was embarrased about our home. He told me not to take it so personally! ( this 12 year old is often light years ahead of me emotionally )

The program tells me whenever I am upset that means there is something wrong with me. I hate that; probably because it's so true. I love my son so much, he is one of the biggest sources of inspiration. I want to provide for him, I want to be a good example, I relish the time and laughter we share. The closeness I feel with him fills me up.

I recently have volunteered to work with our church's youth group. We had a car wash today. It was fun, I got to know some of the kids and the parents. If I was still drinking; there is no way I would even get my car washed by anyone, let alone try and be a positive example for these kids.

God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.

Many times I feel like a baby. Scared, immature, small and helpless... I just want someone to take care of me. I have come to find out, that is God's job. No wonder I get overwhelmed trying to do "everything"; it's impossible!

Thank you God, Thank you Gwen, Thank you Reid... you are my life.

I think I'm gonna keep comin'

All the best,

John